Vanessa Van Edwards: Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction! (Use THESE Cues to Be Liked, Respected, and Build Confidence in Every Conversation)

About this episode

What usually holds you back from starting a conversation? Can you remember a time you avoided someone out of fear of saying the wrong thing? Jay sits down with behavioral researcher and bestselling author Vanessa Van Edwards for a powerful conversation that blends science, honesty, and so many surprising moments. Vanessa, who refers to herself as a “recovering awkward person,” shares how her biggest social struggles became the driving force behind her mission to crack the code on human connection. Together, Jay and Vanessa dive into the fascinating world of charisma, exploring the 97 cues, from eye contact to tone of voice, that quietly shape how we’re seen and understood. Vanessa breaks down why so many of us feel overlooked or underestimated—and introduces “signal amplification bias,” a concept that explains why the signals you think you’re sending might not be landing the way you expect. Vanessa shows us how confidence isn’t always something you’re born with but something you can build, with intention and awareness. The conversation goes even deeper as they unpack the tricky balance between warmth and competence, especially for women in the workplace, and how vulnerability isn’t a weakness, but often your greatest strength. They explore how to create those magic “me too” moments that form instant connections, spot the hidden red flags in communication, and let go of the need to be liked by everyone in order to be truly seen by the right people. In this interview, you'll learn: How to Make a Great First Impression Without Saying a Word How to Break the Ice with a Simple “Hey” How to Balance Warmth and Competence in Any Conversation How to Create Connection Using “Me Too” Moments How to Exit a Conversation Gracefully (Without Offending Anyone) How to Spot a Liar Using Body Language and Micro-Expressions How to Ask Better Questions That Spark Real Conversations How to Recognize the Difference Between Charisma and Manipulation Whether you struggle with social anxiety, want to level up your leadership presence, or are just tired of surface-level small talk, this episode is packed with practical tools and uplifting wisdom to help you connect with more authenticity and power. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.   Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there!   What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:51 From Awkward to Empowered: Overcoming Social Anxiety 02:43 How Do You Really Want People to See You? 06:44 Why Aren’t Your First Impressions Landing? 10:01 Why They’re Not Getting Your Signals (And What to Do About It) 13:33 Want to Be More Attractive? Try Being More Available 15:40 One Simple “Hey” That Can Spark a New Connection 19:16 Your Vibe Teaches People How to Treat You 22:06 Speak with Power: Unlock Your Full Vocal Power 23:47 3 Conversation Starters That Actually Work 29:49 Making Friends Doesn’t Have to Be Hard 31:17 Why Compliments Alone Don’t Build Connection 33:30 Break the Ice Without Sounding Like Everyone Else 38:36 Stop Trying to Be Interesting, Do This Instead 40:48 The Art of a Smooth and Respectful Exit 44:32 Use These Nonverbal Cues to Steer the Conversation 47:41 Spot Inauthentic Behavior Before It Costs You 54:28 Why People-Pleasing Feels Safer But Actually Holds You Back 57:48 How to Tell If Someone’s Lying (Without Saying a Word) 01:00:04 When Narcissists Feel Like the Most Charismatic People 01:03:46 Want to Really Get to Know Someone? Take a Road Trip 01:04:45 How Dopamine Makes You More Memorable 01:08:23 Every Answer Can Be a Gateway to Connection 01:10:51 How Asking Better Questions Inspires Growth 01:13:10 Discover Your Social Battery: Introvert, Extrovert, or Ambivert? 01:15:10 You Might Be an Ambivert and That’s a Superpower 01:19:07 The Two Ways Friendships Evolve Over Time 01:22:30 Choose Friends Who Inspire Awe 01:25:20 The Double Standard Faced by Highly Competent Women 01:33:09 Before You Make That Connection, Ask Yourself This  01:34:34 Life’s Too Short for Shallow Connections, Find Your People 01:36:29 Vanessa on Final Five Episode Resources: Vanessa Van Edwards | Website Vanessa Van Edwards | Instagram Vanessa Van Edwards | X Vanessa Van Edwards | YouTube Vanessa Van Edwards | TikTok Vanessa Van Edwards | Facebook Vanessa Van Edwards | LinkedIn See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices